Two years ago, I wrote about what it might be like to not have hearing loss—to hear perfectly, unaided by either technology or other people. We all dream, from time to time, about living a different life. And there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as we avoid getting stuck in the mud of self-pity, rather than about our hearing loss or any other disability.
Here is my updated dream:
If I were a hearing person….
I would wake in the morning, and immediately connect
With the sounds of house-life around me
Husband breathing, cats playing, cell phone vibrating
There would be no noiseless pause as I reach for the jar
Where my hearing aids have slept through the night
And then, once they’re in, even the silence has a sound.
If I were a hearing person….
I would not have to stand at the door of a party
Stomach clenched as I prepare for conversations
Saturated with the overwhelming din of the crowd
Not catching the names of strangers or the words of friends
I wouldn’t have to copy the smiles of others,
Which are the only things I can understand in this noise.
If I were a hearing person….
I would dine in a gorgeous, dimly lit place
With one romantic candle lighting the face of my handsome husband.
I would understand the server, and maybe order for both of us.
My husband might lean over and whisper in my ear
And I wouldn’t need to read his lips.
If I were a hearing person….
The captioning would be off, not covering up
The feet, the faces, the hands and the places
Because these are words I can hear and don’t have to see.
At the movies I would follow the action
And not poke my partner with “What did he say?”
Or maybe he’d ask me what a character just said,
And I would never say, “Sshh, I’ll tellya later.”
If I were a hearing person….
Talking on the phone would never have caused
A problem like the one on my very first job,
I answered the phone in the hospital clinic
And said, “Who is this, please – I’m sorry, it’s who?
Oh, I’m afraid Dr. Scott is not here, I’m sorry, he’s not.
What’s that you say? Oh, YOU’RE Dr. Scott!?
If I were a hearing person….
I wouldn’t be feeling the supreme disappointment of a hearing loss
That has started to worsen, making some sounds garbled and others extra-loud
And delivering the irony that the clearest sounds are the ones inside my head: the din of inner tinnitus
If I were a hearing person….
I would not have to fight for the right to access – so that I can see a movie, watch TV, understand a lecture, get an education, receive health care, sit on a jury, and do my job…just the same as all the hearing people.
I will never again be a ‘hearing’ person—was I ever?—but the months are ticking down until my cochlear implant, and so I’ve started dreaming again.
