Tearing Down the Fence of Family Hearing Loss

Does a relative’s hearing loss cause challenges in your family?  If so, you’re a member of a very large club.

No matter how much love there is, when hearing loss interferes with the easy flow of communication, it’s easy to get irritated, annoyed and tired, over and over and over.  And it’s a shock when hearing aids don’t completely remove the problems, because that’s the nature of hearing loss.

But no matter how corny this sounds, from experience I can tell you that with time, effort, strategies and love, family communication can improve.

Ten days ago, I had cochlear implant surgery. Two years ago, I would not have believed that this change was around the corner.  And, because I haven’t yet experienced activation of the technology, I can’t imagine how I’ll be hearing two years from now.

But what I do know is that my family and friends will play a powerful role in how well I adapt to the coming changes. The following is a piece from my book, The Way I Hear It: A Life with Hearing Loss.

The sharpest sting of hearing loss

Is felt in our relationships.

For some, the sting is momentary,

For others, the blow is powerful enough

To redirect traffic—

Changing the flow of communication

From an easy two-way street

Into a wide, divided highway.

The people we love, and are learning to love,

Our partners and children, our parents and friends

Stand with us at the fence of hearing loss —

But on opposite sides, separated

By the loneliness, frustration, and anxiety.

But fences can be climbed—

And we can learn how to transform

The barricade into an open, swinging gate,

To let communication flow freely, back and forth.

Because this enduring and open connection,

Is the glue that holds our relationships intact.

                            (The Way I Hear It, 2015, pg. 79)

Hearing loss has been a significant part of my life, leading to my becoming an advocate, performer and writer. When my mother first noticed it, we started years of annual visits to the ear specialist, who could do nothing to help my then mild to moderate hearing loss. My parents filled the gaps by encouraging me to face people, speak clearly, be open about my hearing loss, and not be ashamed of it. (I don’t recall them ever using the word shame, but that was the message.)

I always had friends but the best ones became (and remain) those who deal with the constant pardons and what did she says and always sitting in the middle—because friendship was so much more than that.

Likewise my marriage with the Hearing Husband.  I won’t deny that we have constant moments of annoyance, on both sides. He forgets to face me and over-enunciates when I ask for repetition, making me want to slug him (but don’t). He does a continual balancing act between filling in what he sees I’ve missed and risking my grumpiness at someone speaking for me. I’m not the perfect communicator either, and take out my frustrations on him in a million tiny ways. He’s 6’6” and I tell him that my next husband is gonna be at eye-level for easier communication.

But I don’t want another husband; this one has been my chief cheerleader and supporter. And our son learned from an early age that if he wanted anything from me, he had to get my attention, sometimes by grabbing my chin and turning my face to his. Today he is a superb communicator, partly from years of experience that if you don’t speak clearly with a person with hearing loss, you may be asked to repeat yourself. Repeatedly.

If you have hearing loss in your family, there are going to be challenges, that’s a fact. There are also resources to help you meet them. Ask your hearing health provider for ideas on improving family communication and reach out to consumer associations such as Hearing Loss Association of America and the many other organizations in countries around the world.

It’s worth it.

Photo:  Farmweld Country Heritage Gates