Whether they realize it or not, most people read lips to some degree. People with hearing loss read lips to a large degree – almost every time they are listening to or talking with someone.
It can be a shock to discover, after developing hearing loss as an adult, that your partner, children and friends do not “give good lip” as I wrote about in a recent article.
It’s even more shocking when, after telling your loved ones about, oh, 6,423 times what you need for good communication, they still forget how to speak in a way that works for you.
But is that totally their “fault”? It’s not easy to change a lifetime habit of mumbling or speaking too softly or quickly. Especially when the only person asking for a change is you, the one person in their life who has hearing loss. In an internet discussion on how to stop mumbling, professional speaker Lisa Marshall says this about how to improve speech articulation: “Here’s the short answer. Use diaphragmatic breathing. Relax your mouth and jaw. Stand up straight and make eye contact. Open your mouth wider to speak. Enunciate every syllable. Do daily vocal exercises to improve your enunciation.” The long answer by Ms. Marshall looks at the reasons why a person may mumble or speak quickly or softer, including nervousness, not really caring about being understood, and/or lack of focus on the conversation.
People generally don’t speak as clearly these days as in older generations. In the rush to get our thoughts out, or the niceties out of the way, words are only partially pronounced. Wha? Howza family? Whatcha doin’? And this is spoken with lips held so close together that a piece of paper wouldn’t slide between them. Even the most sophisticated hearing aid can’t understand words or sounds emitted through a miniature blowhole.
Perhaps people with hearing loss – myself included – need to accept the reality of explaining our needs over and over again. Just as there will always be days of frustration.
If I Could Move Your Lips For You
If I could move your lips for you, I would.
We’ve been friends forever and I can read your emotions, easily.
But reading your words is tough because your lips don’t move,
Not much.
Friendships with new people, wonderful people, have not flourished
Under the strain of communication, but
You are my friend – I want to keep talking with you forever.
And today, meeting in Starbucks, I’m in trouble
As I watch, listen and interpret your lips,
Shaping words for me to see and breathing sounds for me to hear.
Your lips are smiling – but your eyes are not.
Your fingers drum the café tabletop,
Competing with the noise of a hundred coffee cups.
We could talk in a quiet, well-lit place,
But we love the atmosphere here,
And the lower lighting flatters our age.
So whose fault is it – yours, mine or ours –
When for the ten thousandth time
I must ask you to repeat yourself?
I sense your invisible eye-rolling and sighing.
Immediately, I’m both apologetic and resentful
And I want to shout:
OK, I’m sorry to ask you to repeat – again,
But maybe if you moved your damn lips!?
I do everything I can to make it easier,
This café isn’t that loud, or that dark.
We’re sitting close and I’m wired for sound.
The only thing I can’t control is the way you move your lips.
I hate to say it, but you missed the “giving good lip” gene.
You’re just not good at it.
Sometimes I want to reach over and grab a lip in each hand and move them,
So that you can feel how the words should come out.
But I don’t say this, because it’s difficult to change how we speak, and I know you try.
We’ve been friends forever, and I love you.
But if I could move your lips for you, I would:
Keep them pointed in my direction
Move them apart from each other
Slow them down
Free them from food and fingers
Match their expression with your eyes
Let them enjoy rolling around the vowels,
playing percussion with the consonants
If I could move your lips for you, I would.
But I can’t.
So please tell me – again – what you just said.
This is one of my pet peeves, Gael. Thanks for highlighting it! I often state your opening line, telling partners “Most people read lips more than they realize…”. In fact many aspects of the face/hands are part of communication success, aren’t they? The tilt of the head, expression, eyes, the motion of the hands, etc. Speakers wearing sunglasses are another impediment to my ability to understand the spoken word. And of course this goes along with the inherent problems with one of your pet peeves, facial hair/mustaches! Keep up the good work, Gael!
One of my pet pelvises when people say, in a nasty way,”Don’t you have a hearing aid”? As if that would solve my problems..Of Course, have a hearing aid, the best money can buy, and in the other ear, a cochlear implant. they help, but it is not like normal hearing. I have done all I can do for myself and so as not to annoy others..
I know people get annoyed when I say”what?’ so they will repeat what I did not understand. One thing I have said is” I know you wish I weren’t deaf,but not as much as I do”. I often just say to my self and sometimes to them, “wel, I guess I’ll never know”. It is very hurtful to be laughed at for replies that do not fit what was being said, I just didn’t hear them correctly. I have been laughed at for being deaf, they think they are joking around but it does not feel like that to me. Being hard of hearing makes me retreat to my home more often, I can’t enjoy formerly fun activities like dining out. Some high ceilinged houses are very difficult to hear in, especially if threes a crowd of people. I used to enjoy groups,now, not so much.One on one is usually fine. My mother also had severe hearing loss , now I know how she felt.. I do not mention my friends obesity, hairs growing where they shouldn’t , lack of style , or handicap, why do they feel free to hurt me about mine?