Casual conversations aren’t my thing.
It’s not that I don’t like casual chats – I love them! Talking with people is one of life’s joys.
But because of my hearing loss, I just don’t do casual very well, especially with strangers. A successful convo that sparks up and ends in just a few seconds or minutes, only works if I put things in place.
My conscious purpose is to understand what the other person is saying. We all want this, you say! Yes, but I have to work harder at it. My goal isn’t simply to understand what they say, but to understand anything they say.
A true-life incident. As I’m waiting with a crowd of people to walk on to the Victoria ferry, I sense a comment from the stranger next to me. I don’t understand her words, so I now have two choices. I could ignore it because how could a random comment in this public space have importance to me?
But my mom taught me to be polite. I also feel compelled to verify if the person is even talking to me, because often they aren’t, or if they are perhaps asking me a question. So, I usually choose to turn and say pardon?
A hearing person (one who has no hearing loss) in a similar situation won’t need to turn or look at the person, but can simply respond. I, however, because of hearing loss, always manage to extend the most minor utterance beyond its necessary limits. Hopefully I ‘get’ what they repeat, but if not, I’m compelled to keep looking them in the eye and say,
“Sorry, I have hearing loss, and it’s crowded and noisy in here.”
“No worries, I was just saying how crowded and noisy it is in here.”
Even if I don’t totally get it the second time, I’ve assessed the importance factor as very low, decided that we’re done and now I can just smile and turn back to waiting for the doors to open.
That’s the simple, uber-casual chat. Conversations of more depth or interest require more structure, to be more purpose-driven to understand, to not miss something important. I can quickly put this in place.
- The person and I need to be facing each other, eyeball to eyeball.
- I advise them of my hearing loss, sometimes immediately and sometimes after I’ve said ‘pardon’ for the second time.
- If the conversation isn’t going well, I may suggest modifying our environment – a place with less noise, more light, or with clear sightlines. This is more important and easier to do in longer conversations.
- I try to create empathy and reduce irritation by smiling and showing that I care (which usually I do) about what they have to say .
Structuring conversations may seem like more work, but when we honor our purpose – to understand and engage with people honestly through conversation – we will experience a much lesser drain on our listening energy.
Putting good communication guidelines in place frees us up to focus on the person and have, however short it may be, a great chat!
