I’m not very psychic. I have to be knocked flat on my butt before I see things coming, although often it’s because I didn’t hear them.
I don’t believe in astrology, either, but like many zodiac pooh-pooh’ers, I do peek at my horoscope now and then. Sometimes it hits the bulls-eye and other times it’s so far off I wonder if my parents forgot to tell me I’m adopted and I’m not really a Pisces after all.
Today, I read this vague pile of kaka: The new moon will boost your confidence. Put your worries behind you and you’ll feel good. That was less than uplifting, although the more explicit ones aren’t any more helpful: Call someone to apologize, right now, before breakfast. Then get in your car, drive two miles, turn right, buy ice cream, and ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing?”
I figure I can write horoscopes just as well as any ol’ Madame Zucchini, Diviner of the Stars. Who knows, maybe some of my predictions will turn out to be true, or at least helpful. So with all due respect to astrology believers, here are tomorrow’s horoscopes for people with hearing loss.
Aries, March 21-April 19: You are usually a leader, ahead of the curve – yet you’re way overdue for your annual hearing checkup! Quit being naive, Aries; your stars are lining up to say that your hearing has not improved, and if you don’t get that hearing aid cleaned soon, it will dissolve and become one with your earwax.
Taurus, April 20-May 20: Although you like to socialize, people can find you aloof and boring. Stop trying to hide the real issue – you have hearing loss. Your fear and frustrations are normal, but don’t be The Bull who wants deal to with it on his or her own; open up about your hearing challenges, and you’ll find that people want to communicate with you and help any way they can. Scout’s honor.
Gemini, May 21- June 19: Stop talking! Geminis have earned their zodiac reputation of being incessant talkers, which can be typical of people with hearing loss. But if you stop talking, you’ll have to listen, and that’s tough for you. Quit sucking all the air out of the room and let someone else speak for a change (but make sure their lips are food and gum-free and have well-applied lipstick).
Cancer, June 21 – July 22: Love and romance mean everything to you, and hearing loss has certainly caused problems in that department. Poor you, having to give up candlelit ambiance for the bright lights of easier speechreading. Quit feeling crabby-sorry for yourself; you are loved for who you are, not how well you understand whispering in your ear (so no more faking, please).
Leo, July 23-August 22: Ah, Leo, the charismatic leader, is your pride getting in the way again? So what if others can see your hearing aid. You’re the trendsetter – you’re wearing the most amazing electronic wizardry that ever entered human ears! Stand tall, there’s no shame in having hearing loss – only in trying to hide it. Lead the way, Leo!
Virgo, August 23 – September 22: Your goal in life is ‘to do the right thing’ – but is allowing yourself to be passed over for promotions really the best you can do? Although your motto is ‘service for others’, it’s time to shine the work-light on yourself. Get what you need in order to communicate like a pro at the office and show them what you can do!
Libra, September 23 – October 22: Wow, Libra, you expect a lot from life – AND from your hearing technology! First you weren’t happy with the hearing aids and now it’s the cochlear implant thing. You want things to come easy but if it’s going to work well, your technology needs help from you, so give your (electronic) head a shake, and start listening! And keep those batteries charged.
Scorpio, Oct 23 – Nov 21: You are powerful and possess the need to triumph – even if it means wearing a mask over your true feelings. You seem to say ‘no’ when you mean ‘yes’ – face it, Scorpion, you’re a hard of hearing bluffer! But here’s the stinger, people can see through it. If you can learn how to stop bluffing, that will be a triumph worth clicking your claws about!
Sagittarius, Nov 22 – Dec 21: When you set your sights on something, you go out and get it. Sometimes you drive other people a bit crazy, but you don’t let your severe hearing loss get in the way of the good life. You’re at the top of the communication game, but one of your burnouts is coming on. Hearing loss soaks up a lot of energy, so take a break at the end of a long day of hearing challenges – rest your eyes and mind and spirit.
Capricorn, Dec 22 – Jan 19: You’re the original mountain climber, always striving to go higher and higher. But are you too focused on being the world’s most-knowledgeable, best-coping, most-damn-articulate person about hearing loss? You’ve already got their admiration, so give your family and friends a break and talk about something else besides your disability. (Although do remind them to speak up.)
Aquarius, Jan 20 – Feb 18: Aquarians are renowned for marching to a different drummer, for making up new music as they go along. This is called tinnitus (tinn-eye-tuss). Noise in the head can be crazy-making, so use your passion for social welfare to support other people with this debilitating condition. Join a hearing loss consumer association and share the music.
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: With your fishies pulling you in opposite directions, you’re living in a fantasy world. Stop waiting for that cure that’s just around the corner; invest in hearing technology that will give you a better quality of life, now. Life is to be lived and if you have already known the beauty of sounds, don’t resign yourself to storing them in a memory box. Go for it, it’s in the stars.